dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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