I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
do herpes really smell.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I AM VODKA MAN
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
