worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
