if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
