It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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