plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
then he tried to convert me to islam
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh�
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
