i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
