If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
