I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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