i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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