"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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