Swine flu. Run for my life!
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I fill condoms, not promises.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
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