There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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