just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
