I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
