Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
