i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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