Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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