How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
