I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
