if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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