there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
