There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I will be naked everywhere
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
