even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
