The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
