i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
