I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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