I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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