no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
