Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Randomize
