Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
