We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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