About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
