I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Just fell off a train. Bad.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
