it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
