this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
