My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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