That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
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