how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
