It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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