Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
