dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
