Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Use "feeling words"
Yay
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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