she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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