Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Are we still banned from the library?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Randomize
