I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Even my vagina gasped.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
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