I'd wear matching sweaters with you
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
