Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
