Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Randomize
