o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Randomize
