I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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